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» First new plot
Only One my story :D EmptyWed Sep 03, 2014 12:12 pm by Angel

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» The Great Cave Maze
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 Only One my story :D

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Lapaoftheforest

Lapaoftheforest

Posts : 1497

Only One my story :D Empty
PostSubject: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 4:09 am

Prologue
His chest heaved as he crouched, preparing to strike. His prey stood grazing, completely oblivious to her impending doom just to her left. He crept forward bit by bit. Finally, he was close enough. CRASH he slammed into her side. As she flung around, he made the kill. His fellow hunters gathered around the elk, including his apprentice. They took it back to the den site. As the pack fed, only one knew of the dangers to come. Only one would know how to stop it. Only one could save them.


to much punctuation? I think it sounds choppy but I'm not very good at this. Revision help? thanks guys.

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Jeger
Elder
Jeger

Posts : 1605

Only One my story :D Empty
PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 4:10 am

THats a very nice story you have there....it'd be a shame is something happend to you...-lights match-
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Lapaoftheforest

Lapaoftheforest

Posts : 1497

Only One my story :D Empty
PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 4:16 am

-gives him death glare that could curdle blood- oh really?

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Shadow
Alpha
Shadow

Posts : 2018

Only One my story :D Empty
PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 4:20 am

Really good Smile
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Lapaoftheforest

Lapaoftheforest

Posts : 1497

Only One my story :D Empty
PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 4:35 am

thank you Shadow! so no1 thinks its too choppy but me?

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Angel
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Angel

Posts : 2622

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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Only One my story :D EmptySun Oct 23, 2011 10:40 am

No, I like it xD some stories need short and sharp sentences Smile
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